Dear Craig

Dear Craig (35)

2008-05-28T11:17:00.003-04:00

Dear Craig,

Does it feel funny to be Scottish?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (34)

2008-05-27T10:58:00.003-04:00

Dear Craig,

What's queerer: a motorcycle, K.D. Lang, or K.D. Lang on a motorcycle?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (33)

2008-05-12T11:05:00.000-04:00

Dear Craig,

What do May showers bring?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (32)

2008-05-07T09:57:00.002-04:00

Dear Craig,

Are you a superdelegate?

Arthur

New York, NY

Dear Craig (31)

2008-05-06T10:06:00.002-04:00

Dear Craig,

After Congress amends the constitution, what will your first act as President be?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (30)

2008-05-02T10:33:00.000-04:00

Dear Craig,

Who's the final Cylon?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (29)

2008-04-30T11:24:00.002-04:00

Dear Craig,

Because people with Asperger's love repetition ('It's a great day for America, my naughty cosmonauts!'), I wonder if you've worked with them before?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (28)

2008-04-29T11:07:00.002-04:00

Dear Craig,

When Dick Cheney travels, where does his squadron of fighter penguins take up position?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (27)

2008-04-23T12:27:00.003-04:00

Dear Craig,

The weather is turning. Some citizens go shirtless. Street vendors pack up well after midnight. The parks are fairly bursting, so I take to the garden with a long novel & three cigarettes. Months ago, we planted hundreds of bulbs & now the view from my garden apartment is all yellow & green. I know spring explodes one weekend each year. On the left coast, when was it?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (26)

2008-04-22T10:45:00.002-04:00

Dear Craig,

When I was young, tornadoes were the only natural disaster to worry about. Now when the weather turns, I scan for green skies, keep a pocket barometer, & occasionally put my ear to the ground. It's not just tornadoes anymore: hurricanes, floods, even earthquakes. When your home shakes at 4 am, do you stay in bed or run for the doorframe?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (25)

2008-04-21T13:26:00.003-04:00

Dear Craig,

Why was last night different from all others?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (24)

2008-04-17T11:28:00.002-04:00

Dear Craig,

Given the opportunity, what home of a deceased American writer would you torch?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (23)

2008-04-15T11:02:00.003-04:00

Dear Craig,

The combined height of the men in my family is over ten stories. The women, fifteen. My family is what you would call large, but not close. Except when standing on each other's shoulders. We tried, in years past, family reunions, games at Christmas, & once my aunt started a phone tree that never made its way to me. Lately, I am greeted at the door with a drink & a reminder to remove my shoes. When you fly home, who picks you up from the airport?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (22)

2008-04-14T10:46:00.003-04:00

Dear Craig,

What's the scariest thing you've ever seen?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (21)

2008-04-12T12:44:00.002-04:00

Dear Craig,

The way we bleed these days, we must have dynamite in our capillaries. I have two head wounds, but no concussion, which means the skull is a safety belt, fraying. Still, I've been told not to sleep, drink plenty of fluids, & monitor my blood pressure. I don't need a nurse, but I wonder . . . Is your bedside manner comparable to Eve Harrington or Gypsy Rose Lee?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (20)

2008-04-12T12:37:00.002-04:00

Dear Craig,

Did you miss me?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (19)

2008-04-09T11:07:00.003-04:00

Dear Craig,

Do you have prom in Scotland?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (18)

2008-04-08T11:14:00.001-04:00

Dear Craig,

Can you help me pay my rent? I'm kinda broke right now.

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (17)

2008-04-07T10:03:00.003-04:00

Dear Craig,

After that, the lines on my hands moved. The woman in the black dress told me my life line split in two, that I have notches for grandchildren but will never be a father. She said my hands were waves. She said my hands were spinning plates. She called me brother, as in Be careful of your liver, hermano, & Escucheme hermano, cruise ships do not auger well for you. This was years ago, before the foosball tournament, before some sickness, before the family became the cultural unit again. What do you call this time?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (16)

2008-04-04T17:29:00.002-04:00

Dear Craig,

What, then, is the proper length for an e-mail?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (15)

2008-04-04T10:48:00.002-04:00

Dear Craig,

Late in the night, hoodlums paint maps on my door & early in the morning, I paint over them. This goes on for months until one morning the map is not a map but an anatomical representation of the city. Upside down, South Street Seaport was the head, The Cloisters the broken middle toe. Where does this leave 2nd St.?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (14)

2008-04-03T15:19:00.002-04:00

Dear Craig,

Thought experiment: Nuclear armament has gone exponential & all the world's nation are stocked, if not with warheads, then with machetes, clubs, crowbars. Tires burn in the streets--this time, it's not only the students rioting. Democratic nations are under martial law. U.S. citizens are routinely held for curfew infringement, selling rations on the black market. Open graves. Padlocked doors. The world is, in short, combusting.

What would Sean Connery say about this day in history?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (13)

2008-04-02T10:48:00.001-04:00

Dear Craig,

Who currently holds the Platinum Scissors?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (12)

2008-03-31T17:59:00.001-04:00

Dear Craig,

If you were young, would you flee this town?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (11)

2008-03-31T10:54:00.003-04:00

Dear Craig,

Our country is flush with arsonists & their wolverine eyes. Yesterday, tear gas & riot gear arrived in the post. If I suit up & spray an attacker's eyes, burning his corneas, am I an arsonist?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (10)

2008-03-30T10:43:00.002-04:00

Dear Craig,

The cafe across the river has an $11,000 coffee machine. To be worthy of a cup, I must swim there. Should I wear trunks or speedos?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (9)

2008-03-29T10:26:00.003-04:00

Dear Craig,

Recently, a friend told me boots were out of season. That, come the spring equinox, it is officially driving moccasin season. I haven't driven in two years. Should I purchase driving moccasins? May I borrow yours?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (8)

2008-03-27T21:04:00.002-04:00

Dear Craig,

The Iliad, the Odyssey, or Angela Lansbury?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (7)

2008-03-26T22:41:00.004-04:00

Dear Craig,

You're a morally confused, violent European with a mysterious & checkered past. One Thursday, while getting your weekly steam, equally violent, less confused Europeans enter. Knives out. Who do you want by your side, Obama or McCain?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (6)

2008-03-26T17:49:00.003-04:00

Dear Craig,

Once upon a time, a man we know cut off his finger. The wound clotted, but the phalange was lost. Then, a stranger sent him magic powder in the mail with these instructions:

Every midnight for the next fortnight, take your bloody stump to the crossroads & dip it in this powder, turn thrice, & spit.

The man followed the directions, but grew, in place of his finger, a pig's hoof. Does he have a right to regret?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (5)

2008-03-25T17:40:00.003-04:00

Dear Craig,

Once, at a hipster gathering, a beautiful woman asked me if I was a minor American film actor. At a similarly hipster bar, a friend mistook the same minor American actor for me. Am I a hipster? Must I ride a brakeless bike & grow fond of irony?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (4)

2008-03-24T00:47:00.003-04:00

Dear Craig,

Is there time for a text message?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (3)

2008-03-23T11:07:00.001-04:00

Dear Craig,

My great-grandfather often spoke of the last war as the great taxidermy of the soul. At his funeral, opened from nape to navel, he looked like a good soldier. Would you call this a moral victory?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (2)

2008-03-22T12:32:00.000-04:00

Dear Craig,

Today a robot told me humans are biological machines. If my engine is my stomach, my lungs the transmission, where do I connect the jumper cables in the morning?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig

2008-03-21T16:42:00.000-04:00

Dear Craig,

Before you were TV's Craig Ferguson, how would you have introduced yourself to a merry band of trolling pirates?

Arthur
New York, NY

FYI

2008-03-21T16:40:00.000-04:00

TV's Craig Ferguson answers e-mails from viewers like you & me.