Dear Craig (12)

Dear Craig,

If you were young, would you flee this town?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (11)

Dear Craig,

Our country is flush with arsonists & their wolverine eyes. Yesterday, tear gas & riot gear arrived in the post. If I suit up & spray an attacker's eyes, burning his corneas, am I an arsonist?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (10)

Dear Craig,

The cafe across the river has an $11,000 coffee machine. To be worthy of a cup, I must swim there. Should I wear trunks or speedos?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (9)

Dear Craig,

Recently, a friend told me boots were out of season. That, come the spring equinox, it is officially driving moccasin season. I haven't driven in two years. Should I purchase driving moccasins? May I borrow yours?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (8)

Dear Craig,

The Iliad, the Odyssey, or Angela Lansbury?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (7)

Dear Craig,

You're a morally confused, violent European with a mysterious & checkered past. One Thursday, while getting your weekly steam, equally violent, less confused Europeans enter. Knives out. Who do you want by your side, Obama or McCain?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (6)

Dear Craig,

Once upon a time, a man we know cut off his finger. The wound clotted, but the phalange was lost. Then, a stranger sent him magic powder in the mail with these instructions:

Every midnight for the next fortnight, take your bloody stump to the crossroads & dip it in this powder, turn thrice, & spit.

The man followed the directions, but grew, in place of his finger, a pig's hoof. Does he have a right to regret?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (5)

Dear Craig,

Once, at a hipster gathering, a beautiful woman asked me if I was a minor American film actor. At a similarly hipster bar, a friend mistook the same minor American actor for me. Am I a hipster? Must I ride a brakeless bike & grow fond of irony?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (4)

Dear Craig,

Is there time for a text message?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (3)

Dear Craig,

My great-grandfather often spoke of the last war as the great taxidermy of the soul. At his funeral, opened from nape to navel, he looked like a good soldier. Would you call this a moral victory?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig (2)

Dear Craig,

Today a robot told me humans are biological machines. If my engine is my stomach, my lungs the transmission, where do I connect the jumper cables in the morning?

Arthur
New York, NY

Dear Craig

Dear Craig,

Before you were TV's Craig Ferguson, how would you have introduced yourself to a merry band of trolling pirates?

Arthur
New York, NY

FYI

TV's Craig Ferguson answers e-mails from viewers like you & me.